Wednesday, February 23, 2011

When Harry Became Hailey

How early in your life were you aware of your gender identity? Usually, from the moment we are born, we have a gender identity: Girls wear pink, dresses and play with dolls; boys wear blue, pants and play with trucks. For some children though, their gender identity doesn’t match their assigned sex.

Last night, I had the opportunity to watch Lisa Ling’s new documentary series “Our America”. This particular episode covered the life of Hailey, a young biological boy born as Harry, who expressed early on in life that “he” was really a “she”. By age three, “Harry” as she was known then had already begun engaging in traditional female behaviors – dressing up as princesses, playing with dolls and drawing self-portraits depicting him as a girl. By kindergarten, “Harry” was already choosing to be called Hailey. The thing I found most amazing about this show was that his parents went along with it. Although at times they were confused, hurt and perhaps even angry, they never stopped loving their son. You can check out a clip from the episode here:  http://www.oprah.com/own-our-america-lisa-ling/Transgender-Child-A-Parents-Difficult-Choice

According to a study recently done by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, 41% of transgender individuals have attempted suicide, 26% have lost a job due to being transgender and 19% have been denied housing. They face wide spread discrimination as youth and adults. Many people don’t even know transgender children exist. To be honest, I had never really given it much though myself, until I saw this show.

I remember my mom always instructing me at a young age to “sit like a little lady”. So it got me thinking, “Do you remember when you first realized your gender identity role? Did your parents do things to encourage you one way or another? What would you do if you found yourself in the position of Hailey’s parents?” Answers are due no later than Tuesday, March 1st, 2011.

23 comments:

  1. I believe I learned my gender identity at a very young age. I was the typical girl that love to dress up and play with barbies. My parents never had to do anything to persuade me that I was a girl, it was definately in me. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed hanging out with the boys and playing tough but it never even crossed my mind what gender I was. Honestly I feel sorry for people that are confused, certain things in life are just a given and I think this is most definately one of those things!

    If I was Hailey's parents I would probably try to persuade him that he is really a boy. I think that if it was instilled upon him that he was a boy at a young age he would not have been so confused. The situation should be handled carefully. Some people do these kind of things simply for attention and since Hailey started this at such a young age maybe it started out as a way to get attention from his parents. I think if parents payed more attention to their kids they might not be in the mess they are today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well at a young age I was exposed to both male and female things. My parents did all the girly things, dress me up in pink, the frilly dresses and the cute pigtails. I played the videogames with my dad and cousins and I played tea party and dolls with my best friend. I tried the princess thing once and hated it. I dressed tomboyish because I hated dresses because I had to sit like a lady. Usually I was seen wearing jumpers...mostly because of my mom. I knew I was a girl, I just liked boy things too.

    Oh my, if I was Hailey's parents I would take him to church so we can have a discussion with my pastor. I figure something must have happen to my child to make him feel this way. I would think a evil sprite must be taking over my poor baby's head.
    Tionda Burch

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know when... but I remember really enjoying "girly" shows as a kid; but I knew I was suppose to watch them. I remember watching one show and immediately turning it off when someone walked into the room.

    Actually come to think of it, not having a true father figure was a kid I've been more comfortable watching things for girls. Heck, in High school I only hung out with the women kind.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Um.Tough question.
    I believed I knew my idenity from a young age. I was the only girl and im 18 months older then my brother which would have some differences in our gifts. I believe my parents just gave me what I wanted. I was spoiled. So I would have the dolls and stuff animals but also I had ction figures and watched ninja turtles.
    My brother and Ijust kinda knew what was 'girly' things and what were 'guy' toys.

    The only time I remember I wanted a He-man birthday cake. so my mom got me one. But my dad wanted me to have a girl cake, so he bought me a second cake with butterflies. He said he wanted me to have a girl cake. I didnt mind it just meaned I had to cakes and I was happy about that.

    But growing up we did what we liked. I did girly things but also play with my brothers alot with their fighting games.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I knew my identity at a young age with my room being full of pink, wearing dresses, and having dolls. However, I was known as a "tom boy" especially growing up because I would rather trade my short skirts and dresses for a pair of basketball shorts and a hoodie. I played with dolls yes, but I spent most of my time as a child playing outside and getting skinned up knees and being dirty all of the time. I played sports and hung out as "one of the guys" most of the time. They all knew I was a girl, but my parents didn't care either way. Whether I was having girls nights where I stayed up all night giggling or if I went and played video games with the guys all night. They were just happy that I was happy. So I would say that if I was in Hailey's parents position I would love my child no matter what.

    ReplyDelete
  6. At a young age I knew I was a girl. I dressed like a girl, played with dolls, watched the Disney princess movies, and had tea parties. I have a brother, and I liked playing with my brother and his toys. Playing with him and his toys didn't make me a boy, it was just something we could play with together and my parents liked the fact that we could get along together. I had friends that were boys, but I never wanted to be a boy. If I were in the position of Hailey's parents, I would encourage him to be a boy. I would show him all the fun things about being a boy. He was born a boy and that's how God made him. If he were meant to be a girl he would have been born a girl. At the age of three he might like playing with girls, but three year olds don't make decisions like this. I think that he wanted attention and this was how he felt he could receive attention. Maybe he wanted to get attention from his Mom and, seeing her as a girl, he thought, "this was what girls do, so she will want to play with me if I like girly things". I don't think anyone, especially under the age of ten, should change their gender. Like they say, grass is always greener on the other side of the fence; that is, until you're on the other side!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like harry/Haily at a young age new i was different and did not have a lot of quote unquote boy behaviors or interest in the typical guy activities, i never felt as if i should have been born a girl though. I can understand the not feeling comfortable in your own skin due to the roles and environment of my childhood into young adulthood. I have a grandmother that on a small scale new i was going to be "different" and to all the grand kids as well told us be who you are and honest to yourself and life will be more rewarding. I always carried this and still today believe this. so at more of an early age than some i realized around middle school/puberty time period came to the realization that the traditional boy likes girl was not going to be my thing and in 8th grade decided to be me and let everyone know me as me and came out as a homosexual. at that point they only thing i knew of this term or what this meant was the rare things seen on tv or in public which was still scarce. Now sadly my parents were not as supportive as the persons in the report but as time has gone on that has changed, would it had they been more responsive and supportive my struggles i may have had a better support system. If i was the parents in this role i would hope that i would be as supportive and then some as they were for my child

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was a traditional girl, I played house and barbies. But I never identified myself by my gender and over time I still haven't. I commend Hailey's parents in being so open with the way she felt and being supportive. I feel like so many people, especially parents are either narrowed minded or afraid of the unknown and what may lie ahead of their child's decisions. Alot of which can tear families apart. I have been an open minded person for most of my life and I feel that if I were to be in Hailey's parents shoes, I would give my child the chance to express the way they felt. Maybe for me might try to raise my child as their given gender for a while longer but if my child truly feels differently, I wont stand in his/her way and make them unhappy. At the end of the day its about happiness and loving who you really are. I could never not love my child or force them to be someone that they tell me their not. Support, no matter what decision you make is key.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Danisha Brown says:

    Honestly I don't really remember when I realized my gender identity role. I had two sisters growing up and one brother, so it was predominantly females in my household. I remember my mother making me wear a skirt once a week and telling me cross my legs when I'm sitting etc. but nothing drastically defining my gender role. If I were in Harry's parents situation I would have open communication letting him understand his situation and the consequences etc. for his actions. I would continue to be positive and pray asking God for guidance as to what my husband and I should do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't remember the exact time that I realized my gender role, but I do know that I was always taught to be "lady like." Even though I can't really relate to Harry/Hailey I have lots of friends who have made a discovery kind of similar to hers. I do not discourage or have any kind of prejudice towards people, so if I were Hailey's parents I would help her out the best way I could.
    My parents were always really supportive of me and even though I went through a small tomboy faze, they just were happy that I was happy. I guess I always knew the kind of girl I was when growing up, but as for Hailey, I see nothing wrong with what she has decided.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Though i remember my past I don't remember a set time that i realized between myself being a male and a female. I grew up in a house with out a father a gay brother and two sisters. Always tend to hang out with both females and males however always felt closer to females. Played with my little pony's, and played house with different girls around the block however never once have thought about being into the same sex as my own. I look at what we place on as gender rolls and think just because the child in this case drew him self as a girl doesn't mean he was meant to be a female. I mean starting out drawling i was more interested in the female body drawling wise them my own. I would have and still will depict myself in pictures as a old person but yet I'm not old. Plenty of people that are females like blue and a lot of guys like pink. I feel we as people put to much in to what we thought ere guy things to do and female things to do. For example many might notice i often dress up for class in to three piece suits and all however doesn't mean I'm gay, just take pride in my look. We tend to want to place people in either roll as a female or male rather then thinking of the full picture that it doesn't matter. Halie could of been a little boy that dressed like a guy and still could of felt he like guys and wished he was a girl, however his family feels like he wants to be so let him dress like one? If my child i would call him by his name explain to him that he can like guys, he can do what he chose however would still focus on teaching him how to be a good person guy or girl he would need to know that. An explain that clothes wont make him a person it comes down to what he decides to portray himself as.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have a great memory and remember most of my childhood. I think I knew from the second I was born that I was a girl. I wore pink everywhere and was always spotted with a bow in my hair for every special occasion from the grocery store to birthday parties to christmas eve with my family. I was also expected to act like a polite young lady. When I was in grade school, we moved next door to a family with 5 children. 3 of them were boys and I was very much into sports at this time. I was definitely a tomboy wearing matching nike outfits and basketball shoes. This was the only time I think I was a little off track, I lost interest in my dolls and barbies, but in a short amount of time I was right back to being the girly girl that my mom knew. If I was Hailey's parents, a discussion would have to come about at the right time. I wouldn't want my children to get bullied as a result of a situation like this and I would be very nervous that something to that extent would happen. Ultimately it is his life to decide what he wants to live as.

    ReplyDelete
  13. When I was very young I would play with dolls and wearing girly dresses. As I got older I become more interested in different activities like hunting for fossils, climbing in trees, playing video games, and playing with action figures. This might be because I don't have any sisters and all my close friends are guys.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I actually had a difficult time growing up discerning the difference between males and females. My mother had already explained to me the difference, but, to me, it didn't make sense nor did it matter. I was extremely tomboyish growing up. I didn't like dolls, princesses, dresses, Barbies, or whatever. I like hiking, dirt-biking, making forts, and playing video games and hanging out with my friends and cousins who were all, surprise surprise, boys. My parents, who were supportive of me being very active, encouraged me to do the things that I loved, and I figured out that musical theatre was incredible to me. I was suddenly enrolled in dancing and singing, and my video game time was sacrificed for being "productive." I was suddenly studying constantly and in a lot of activities. Not really sure when it dawned on me the difference, but when I finally figured it out I was fine with it obviously.

    If I was this young child's parent, I believe I would do the same thing they're doing. I'm extremely grateful and relieved to see parents being open-minded and supportive of whatever their child believes. Reading the comments I saw that they were lumping gender with sexuality and I wasn't really sure that was the case. As a young child, Harry/Hailey is obviously unconcerned with sexuality, and is more into the idea of gender. It stung to see that they were slandering the parents for encouraging their child to be "gay." I don't think that's what they're doing at all. Rather, I think they're just encouraging him to be the way he wants to be. I feel they're the type of parents that would be in full support of Hailey going back to being Harry if that's what he wanted in the end. I believe I would want the same for my child as well. A child needs that kind of support from their family, and I was happy to see that it was given to them in full.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I dont think I had any kind of defining moment as a child. I just always liked guy things. I don't think my parents tried to push the issue either, but I was born in the early 80's, so I am not sure they even really considered the possibility of gender identity to be an issue then. If I were Hailey's parents I would support my child. I certainly wouldnt try to discourage them from being who they knew themselves to be. If you try to suppress those feelings they will just resurface again in the future and will probably come with some anger towards the parents as well. The difficulties in that situation would be what comes when Hailey starts realizing how different she is from the other boys and girls. I cant even imagine trying to hide that from the other kids and what happens when Hailey gets older and they have locker rooms in high school. It will not be an easy life for her.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm not sure I remember that specific moment either. I grew up with an older brother who picked on me a lot, so I really grew up as kind of a tom boy. I played dress up and had tea parties with my friends, but other than that I kind of acted like a little boy. I guess I somewhat grew out of it when I was about 9 or 10, and that really had to do with being really close to my brother's girlfriend at the time. She was like an older sister, so I guess I tried to dress like her and act older than my age.
    If I were in Hailey's parents' situation, I'm not sure what I would do. I suppose if it was my child I would love it just the same, but I don't really understand how he could decide that at such a young age. I think I would maybe talk to him about boy and girl behaviors, and then let him decide I guess. I've known of little boys to play with dolls, but that doesn't mean they want to be girls. I think that at that age a toy is a toy to kids. When I was little I got more amusement from playing with tape and paper than an entire set of Barbies. I also think that if they decided to change genders, it would make life difficult for them later on. If they did it as young as Hailey/Harry did, it may not be as much of a problem. But when people start to want to change genders when they're older, like middle school or high school, I too think it would bring on a lot of problems. High school is stressful enough as it is, let alone having to be bullied for changing genders.

    ReplyDelete
  17. When I was younger I was similar to Hailey only I did many boy activities. I didn't play with Barbies, wear pink, dress up, or join girl scouts. Instead I played with Tonka Trucks, Legos, video games, Four Square, and wore overalls almost every day. I didn't have many friends who were girls and was always treated as one of the guys. My parents never made me think this was wrong or backwards because I had two brothers, no sisters, so if anything they were happy that my brothers and I got along by doing the same activities. So, I always thought all girls were like me until about middle school I started realizing how backwards my views were. I didn't really start to change at all though until about my Sophomore year of high school, I went to an all girls school and that's about the time the feminism started rubbing off on me. I began wearing makeup, jewelry, and wearing my hair in other styles than a ponytail. So, that's when I finally found my balance between the male activities I enjoy and still showing my feminine side at the same time. Even through all that though I never once doubted that I was female, I just assumed all girls were like me.
    If I were in the position of Hailey's parents I would most likely react the same as them because I feel you should love your children unconditionally no matter what. It would definitely take some getting use to but I would accept anything that makes my child happy because I would not want to contribute to them being unhappy with them self and uncomfortable with their identity.

    ReplyDelete
  18. When i was little i never did anything that made me think i was a girl. My parents encouraged me to play and act like a young man. I also have a identical twin so we both love doing guy stuff like fight, and us anything we could find to pretend to had guns and were trying to shoot each other. If I was the parents of this child i would help him realize that he i confused and shouldn't be acting that away, because its not how young boys act.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have never had a question as to what my gender identity role is. I was born a male, so of course my parents treated me as a male child. All of the toys that I had when I was young were the typical toys little boys have: trucks, legos, and K'nex. These are the things I had an interest in. I never wanted to join my sisters and play with their toys. I don't see why any parent would want to encourage their male child to behave like a little girl and vice versa.

    If I found myself in the position of Hailey's parents, I would probably still treat the child as a boy and call him by his name, Harry, but I can not say what I would do for certain as I am not in that position.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I do not think that I had a moment in life when I decided if that I was a girl and I was going to do girl things. I grew up with two sisters, and two brothers. We had a surplus of trucks, Hot Wheel cars, Barbies, fake make-up, dress up clothes, Lincoln Logs, and Legos. I played with all of those as a child. I would dress like a princess and have horrible "make-up" on and to finish my outfit I would have tennis shoes on and be in the back yard playing baseball, jumping on the trampoline, climbing our tree, and making up games with my siblings.

    My nephew is now seven and is all boy, he is our little farmer wearing boots, wranglers, and some sort of a t-shirt while playing in the fields and collecting rocks and operating tractors with his dad. However when he was younger he wanted a baby doll, so we purchased him a doll and he slept with it everynight, they were inseparable. He even cried for a stroller once and we bought him that as well. He would take his doll on walks and make sure it had been clothed, fed, and took naps. He also enjoyed watching Barbie movies with our female cousin. I do not that that there has been a time for him either when he has decided that he is only a boy and can only do boy things. He enjoys cooking, crafting, playing with semi trucks, playing in the dirt, collecting rocks, helping other less fortunate children, and being a happy child. His parents and the rest of my family fully support him in everything he does.

    I am not sure as to what I would do in the case is my child happened to be in Harry's/ Hailey’s footsteps. I would always love my child and I would want to protect him or her from the harassment others will harm him with but I would also want him to be happy in his own body and happy with himself.

    The heart-breaking moment for me when I actually watched this on Oprah was when the Father of Harry/Hailey had said that what he is worried about is who is going to love his child. Who is going to fall in love with and accept him later on in life?

    ReplyDelete
  21. As a child I was never encouraged to play with certain things and not with others. I was also not told I was a girl and had to do certain things. I had preferences of what I liked at a very young age and played with whatever I like. Having an older brother and sister, I was exposed to various things.I remember my mother telling me at a much older age how to "act like a lady".

    If I were in the position of the child's parents I think I would encourage anything and I would first try not making a big deal about it. I think that a lot of items, toys, and clothes that children are exposed to are considered to be for boys or girls, but I think that is just a standard made by society that doesn't account for much. I would encourage my child to keep their options open and probably accept it as a stage they are going through. I would want them to learn to be happy with who they are instead of trying to become a different gender.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I knew i was a girl and loved girly things since i can remember. I had a house cleaning kit and would help my mom clean the house with my Cinderella heals on. I loved it, I did however hang out mostly with boys as a young girl my mom would send me off with the girls but i would have more fun playing tag etc. My cousin I was raised with was a boy so i did everything he did and looked up to him like he was a magical god. So I loved mortal combat, legos, blocks, and ninja turtles..but I also loved playing barbies (probably too much) with my younger sister. I was exposed to both "male" and "female" activities equally.

    If I was in the position Hailey's parents are in I would let it be. If she is a girl then she is a girl. I wouldn't make her hide it or be awkward about it. I would have to make sure she understood the differences (puberty, sexual organs etc...eventually) but if she is a girl then she can be a girl...nothing is wrong with that. Why live your life unhappy, I say do what you want. You only have a short time and why be bumming over your life during that short amount of time. Uncalled for.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I mean my parents were always wanted me to do boy things. My dad wanted me to play football and other sports. Although I became a cheerleader. I think that gender identity is not very recognizable at a really young age. I think that the parents did the wrong thing, the child had no time to really realize what they really wanted.

    ReplyDelete